Tired of romantic disappointments and “pearls”, Rosalía finds herself in a moment of sexual and relational abstinence. This existential moment of the singer coincides with an article on Rowing by Chanté Joseph in which she asks whether having a boyfriend is now something to be ashamed of which has gone viral and prompted many women to ask themselves the same question. This is why the arrival on Netflix of Diary of a girl expert in love disastersthe adaptation of the autobiographical novel of the same name by Amanda Romare, was welcomed with joy by many. Because the series offers an accurate and therefore somewhat painful look at the disastrous dates of a millennial let him in ghostingempty promises and broken illusions make the search for love an operation as impossible as it is desperate. Its protagonist, who shares the author’s name – as well as life experiences and as we see during the interview – tells how aberrant it was for her to realize that she couldn’t have a second date. “When you’re over thirty, society starts to put pressure on you if you don’t have a partner. Even though I’ve always been very independent, I made an effort to find someone to date. I was a bit naive, because I thought that with seven or eight dates I would find the love of my life. And then, I started dating men of different professions and physiques,” explains the author. “Even though they were absolutely different from each other, neither of them wanted a second date. This was five years ago, when the conversation was about ‘how difficult it is for men to find a partner’. However, what I saw was that it was more difficult for women than for men,” she says. Because she couldn’t find anything similar in fiction that captured what she was experiencing, she decided to write her own story.
Did you write your story, to understand it better?
That’s the sad thing. I tried to be myself and it didn’t work. I tried to be a nice girl. That didn’t go well either. I tried to be the girl who needs help with everything, but it failed. I wondered if, being so outgoing, maybe I had scared off guys on the first date. When the first episode of the series came out, my sister and I got drunk trying to find the courage to see this monster that I was led to believe was and that no one wants. Watching Carla Sehn play me, I felt calm; I simply saw a girl who wanted to find someone, to have a man close to her. I liked seeing that I’m not a monster: just someone looking for love.
There will be those who think that “looking for love” is something old-fashioned, even “bad feminist”.
I realized that I have this supposed ideal woman in my head who is a laid-back person who accepts the guy as he is. But when you’re in a relationship, you have a lot of emotions on the surface. And basically every Tinder date is like a blind date where you go all out and then have to deal with the trauma. In every appointment you express a little hope and it is normal for you to worry. I just had this idea of being a woman who doesn’t care about things, but isn’t it more feminist to admit and embrace who you are? This is the most important thing for all women.
Do you think men and women face uncertainty and insecurity in dating with equal uncertainty?
When I go out in Sweden I notice that one of my friends notices the most beautiful woman in the bar and even though I think she’s out of his league, they go together. On the other hand, most of my friends don’t even notice handsome guys because they think they aren’t good enough for them. That’s why I think that, contrary to popular belief, the dating landscape right now is ideal for men.
Between ghost, love bombinggas light… Isn’t it understandable that many have thrown in the towel?
It’s very common to be bombarded with compliments. They tell you that you are the most beautiful, the most incredible, the woman of their dreams and the next day they disappear without a trace. How does it affect us? I think dating is a nightmare now. So I guess it’s understandable that so many women have decided not to date and even to do without sex.
To what do you attribute this ease in creating humor bombs just after having had a seemingly fantastic date?
It’s very easy to disappear without explanation and I think a lot of men don’t have the tools to say they don’t want to see someone else. In my dating phase, I told two or three men that they barely texted me and because of that I thought they weren’t interested. They told me they really wanted to continue seeing me. And I would give them another chance, I would give myself completely and they would disappear again. As a woman it’s very easy to feel embarrassed and feel bad if you send someone two messages in a row or if you become a little pushy, but it’s normal to feel that way in these types of situations! Especially if the guy hints that he wants to see you, but continues to ignore you. It is very important not to be ashamed of these situations.
Are you or your character addicted to love?
Amanda just wants to find love. She wanted to find someone who would make her love him. She wanted to find someone who wanted to be with her and she wanted to find someone who would make her orgasm in bed. When after a while you realize that getting a second date is so complicated, desperation overcomes you. The book is about trying to solve the problem. We put so much energy into finding someone that it seems impossible for me to accept that it didn’t work out without dwelling on what happened.
There is a moment in which the protagonist’s mood changes radically depending on whether her date responds or not, as if her mood and even her life revolve around that romantic interest.
It may seem strange but when you have allowed someone to get close to you both emotionally and sexually, a very strong bond is formed. There are those who say we shouldn’t have sex on the first date, but women have always been repressed and now we will do without sex? Feelings will arise anyway. I think it’s important to have a support group of friends and/or family to talk to about these things.
But when his character verbalizes what worries him without filters, sometimes his inner circle raises their eyebrows… As if feeling bad about love matters is a weakness.
As a woman, you are always trying to improve yourself. Amanda is working on her personal development but her feelings are becoming so intense that that nagging part takes precedence.
One reader said the book “is about insecure and confused attachment.” How would you define Amanda’s attachment?
It’s very sad and I like it. Last week I interviewed a middle-aged author who was meeting men on Tinder and was faced with an unexpected message: “Hi, I want to fuck your tits.” She was a little upset because they just saw her as a piece of meat. And then I realized that even though I’m now 36 and have had a boyfriend for two years, I still have very low self-esteem. I still haven’t recovered from the experiences recounted in the book. Because I would take that phrase as a compliment. I think it relates a little to Amanda’s low self-esteem; It’s so important to her that things work out that she would take that message as confirmation. My father was always very afraid that I would fail and when he saw that my relationships were not going well, he would tell me that I needed to improve myself more. I think I did it out of love, but it created a certain feeling of inadequacy in me.
He constantly wonders why he can’t have a second date, but maybe the question is what’s going on in the love scene.
It’s a question I constantly ask myself. Women have more experience talking about feelings, so when they need to talk about them, instead of doing so delicately, acting with kindness, or with moral integrity, they say the first thing that comes to mind.
Now you have a boyfriend. Has your partner felt anger at the way men in his past treated him or does he understand certain behaviors?
He is a fairly introverted person who has never talked about sex with his friends and found his preferences in the book. He knows that it’s difficult for many men to communicate… I’ve dated a lot of guys here in Sweden and when I met him he made it clear straight away that he wanted to be with me. He is from another city and spent an hour and a half in the car to have dinner. It had never happened to me with anyone. But I have a feeling that maybe he has a past where he may have behaved similarly to how others have behaved towards me. In this case, he simply connected with me. And from here I think an interesting piece of advice arises, because if I could go back five years, I would tell Amanda that if a guy is a little evasive in his messages, if even if he says he likes you a lot it’s difficult to go out with you, he should get out of there. Because when you meet a guy who really likes you, you know it.
