One of the aspects that worries parents most is their children’s lack of answers to everyday questions. Boys and girls tend to respond in monosyllables or with a single word when faced with questions that families would like to address in more depth and detail. On many occasions, adults expect a different response to the same habitual behavior, without realizing that the dynamic cannot be changed if the change does not come from both parties. That is, for the child’s response to be different from the usual one, it is the adult who must initiate the change in dynamics from the beginning.
To begin to change this situation, it is important to know that there are several aspects that push the minor to be brief. One of these is the way adults tend to ask children closed questions like “how was school?”, “how did you spend today?”, “did you learn anything new in math?”, where the answer can be given with a single word such as “yes”, “no”, “good” or “nothing”.
This dynamic can be modified in a very simple way: by asking the question differently and focusing more on the emotional level, since “without emotion there is no learning”, as stated by the professor of Physiology and doctor of Neuroscience Francisco de Mora (Granada, 1945). Open questions, such as “what did you like most today?”, “what was the funniest topic?”, “tell me something you learned that made you happy”, give rise to more elaborate answers, which connect with the emotion experienced, with the memory and the pleasure of expressing what happened.
Leading by example can be another communication element to take into account. Sometimes the adult focuses the conversation by asking the child what he has done in his daily life, forgetting to talk about himself, as if the family only focused on minors. If you start the conversation by explaining how our day went, what things we did, what were the best or worst memories of the day, the child will surely connect with his own experiences and will even try to interrupt the conversation to tell what he did during his day.
Another aspect to take into consideration that greatly influences children’s participation in a conversation is that repetition tends to be exhausting for them, i.e. the surprise factor is an incentive to start new conversations. Knowing what the other person will ask and respond to in a dialogue sometimes causes such a meeting to be avoided due to a lack of spontaneity and novelty. Using irony, humor or jokes can be excellent incentives to attract the child’s attention and interest in a new conversation. All it takes is using a surprising voice, speaking while singing, or doing something unexpected, and you enter the game with virtually no awareness that you are starting a conversation with the adult.
Moments of connection with children must be based on affection and love, that is, not just transmitting messages, exchanging routine information and writing it down in our mental diary, but there must be an emotional connection, which is not like an exchange of data. Sometimes (or almost always), less is more. It will always be better to talk about a single topic rather than trying to give a short summary of the entire day in the five minute drive home from school. There is no one better than father or mother to get to know your child, and know the topics that worry him the most, which are most interesting for him, which are most difficult for him to deal with and which make him connect more easily. Researching the child’s interests to start a dialogue can be a great tool. That musical group that he likes so much, that sport that he loves to play, that song that he always sings, that game that he likes to play… these are small attractions that can bring the child closer to the adult as long as the latter makes an effort to take an interest in said hobbies and interests.
The time to connect and start a conversation is also essential. Talking to your child as soon as he gets out of bed is not the same as talking to him before going to bed. Surely the adult prefers first thing in the morning and last thing, which is when he usually sums up the day and needs to share what is bothering him as a way to end the day and “clean his mind”. That is, children (and adults) begin to remember their entire day before going to bed and in many cases they need to bring it out, to express it through words and emotions, to share it and put it out of their heads with their reference figures.
Finally, it’s crucial to remember that patience is the key to parenting. This is because children’s behaviors are, in most cases, a natural reflection of the developmental stage in which they find themselves. That is to say, it is normal for them to come out of school tired and sometimes they prefer to rest and be silent for a while until they get home and can start a conversation once they start the game in the afternoon or already in bed after reading the story. It is also expected that children, as they grow up, have new interests and feel that their parents do not understand them or empathize with them as they did before, but here, again, it is the adult’s job to make an effort. And thus continue to find moments of connection that respect the child’s evolutionary pace and, at the same time, demonstrate that availability and unconditional presence for him.
Finally, it’s crucial to remember that patience is the key to parenting. This is because children’s behaviors are, in most cases, a natural reflection of the developmental stage in which they find themselves.
