Catherine Bertrand he has the same black hair he drew for his comic book character. As he spoke, sitting at a bar counter behind the Place de la Republique, he drew them close to his side. His voice was firm, his eyes were big and round as if sketched on paper. Before 2015, being an illustrator was a hobby, but since that night he has survived the massacre Bataclan many things have changed. For example, for a long time he could no longer read: “I can’t concentrate, it’s impossible.” So he started drawing to tell what was going on inside him and self-published his graphic novel “Survivor’s chronicle”. There he imagines his trauma as a heavy ball that he is dragging. Maybe this way he can make himself understood even by those people who always tell him “that 10 years is a long time and it’s time to move on”. He tried: he’s vice presidentAssociation of Victims of Terrorism (Afvt) and it was his idea to hold a run and parade, before the official celebrations, to pay tribute to the sites of the attacks. To present life, where violence tries to destroy everything. One of the first times he managed to get back into the public eye was watching the Paralympic games: “Sport reassures me“. Then he thought that he wanted to bring all the French people into the streets, “not to cry”, but to be there as a community. So the idea of a march was born, organized from below: with him the families of the victims – including Luciana Milanithe mother of the Italian victim Valeria Solesin – but also many people touched by the loss. “Everyone that night remembered where they were or was afraid their loved ones had died. They suffered too.” Bertrand stopped every now and then and smiled. Then he returned to talking about his new world: the gods flashback a sudden moment that brought him back to that night “survivor syndrome” who feel obliged to feel good, towards other victims who have become like brothers. As he watched them from the stage, in the squareHotel de Villeher voice trembled: “I just feel the love, we need it,” she said into the microphone. Because after ten years, the support network functions like it did on day one.
How did the parade go?
We are very happy. Finally real mobilization for November 13th.
Why do you seek collective engagement?
That night they didn’t just attack me or the other victims. France was attacked for its values of liberty, equality and fraternity. They influence sports, culture, and ways of life. And after ten years, I believe it is time to invite not only the victims, but the entire French people. And not to cry, but to be together.
Does this impact more people than we think?
All the French knew exactly what they were doing that night. There is a national trauma: the victims in many cases have been treated, although much suffering remains. But all the French people who that night felt sadness because one of their loved ones had died or was nearby and heard of the attack, they also have the right to feel like victims. My message is to those who suffer in different ways: let’s move forward, but let’s do it together.
Why the race?
I loved last year’s Paris Olympics. At first I was very afraid of them because I suffer from post-traumatic stress and am agoraphobic. I thought I would be locked in the house. On the contrary, when I saw the opening ceremony on television, I became very excited. I felt calm and realized that sporting values are what assault victims are looking for.
It means?
Virtue, respect, dignity. If you listen to elite athletes, many of them have had past trauma that they have overcome through sport. For us assault victims, he is an inspiration. And exercise is not only good for the body, but also for mental health.
Is that good for you?
After watching the opening of the Olympics, I even decided to watch a goalball match at the Paralympics. Alone. I was scared, but I found good people who took care of me. I feel like I found a family. Attack victims need virtue. But it’s hard to find it.
In what sense?
Ten years after November 13, our loved ones, family, friends, colleagues consider the reconstruction time too long. The times for them and for us are different. And we feel judged. They tell you that a lot has happened in ten years and we need to move forward. The statute of limitations applies to them. These are the unpleasant things that sound in our environment. But not in a sports environment. There you don’t judge, but you accept differences.
Is ten years too little?
It’s not a long time. For me the number is less. For victims of attacks, the idea of time has changed. The distance is very far and very close. Post-traumatic stress prevents us from holding ourselves in the moment.
Isn’t remembering also a burden?
What we experienced was extraordinary. We can never forget it. And you shouldn’t. But there is an important process, at a certain point, is trying to accept the situation. Because if you fight it, you will eventually get sick. The best thing for me is to accept that terrorism has impacted us. And now it’s up to us to take part in what happens next. What do we want for our children? For us? We must learn lessons from all this. This is a social problem that concerns not only France. We need to talk about it. Terrorism means spreading fear, if it is taboo then the terrorists will win. I am no longer in the fear phase, but rather the resistance phase. And I want to increase public awareness of the negative impacts of terrorism.
How do you start drawing what you experience?
Previously, I just drew as a hobby. Then after the Bataclan attack, seeing that my wounds were not visible, therefore psychologically due to traumatic stress, I needed to concretize them, make them happen. And I do it with images that help me release my inner suffering: so I use heavy balls to represent the symptoms of my traumatic stress. And this summary helps me and other victims too. Even explained the symptoms to his family.
Don’t they understand?
In France 10 years ago, post-traumatic stress was only experienced by veterans. Lack of awareness of psychological wounds. This book answers the need for time for the diffusion of a concept. And it is done in the simplest and most accessible way. Not to mention every time my hands shake and I can’t draw well. I always have to go over it and simplify it. After the attack, I could no longer read: I had memory and concentration problems, I did not understand what I read. This is why I rely on pictures: they are easier to understand. I want this book to be universal so that it can be conveyed to everyone. To explain what happened that night there.
What happened to you on the evening of November 13 at the Bataclan?
I don’t want to work too much on that, but on my reconstruction. There are a maximum of 10 pages in the book about the attack. Because the trauma came later. There I explained the journey of a fighter victim of attacks in France. And I do it with mood because it allows us to maintain distance and, at the same time, convey a powerful message.
Can we find a way to smile?
Not that I laughed at the whole thing. I don’t feel entitled to do it. I choose to ridicule myself. I laughed at the new me and all the symptoms I was experiencing. Because I found myself in an extraordinary situation on the road. Or with very aggressive mood swings. I want to laugh at this and make terrorism accessible. With the mood, it might happen.
Apart from what you experienced, are you also burdened with communicating it?
You can’t put yourself in our shoes. We have a responsibility to bear witness, to speak about this suffering. Because it is so extraordinary that no one can understand it. We are the keepers of memories and have an obligation to pass them on to new generations. It’s good for me to go around speaking as a survivor.
Was he related to other Bataclan victims?
That night I was with my partner at the time, then we broke up. It doesn’t matter, it’s life. But I found a lot of people who were there thanks to the association. And those, whom I did not know, became not friends, but brothers. We don’t judge each other, we don’t need to justify ourselves. We have a very strong bond. This is our strength in adversity. There are enough of us to support each other. They are a new family to me.
Do you continue to draw?
I wrote a book about the trial called “Justesse” and I self-published it. If I want, I create illustrations and publish them on social networks. That’s good for me.
How does it feel to be on trial?
It came early for me. I don’t feel ready yet. But I have to immerse myself in spite of everything. And the victims’ association explained to me that we should not expect anything. Not disappointed. I got some answers. I’m happy to be there. Even though it was very tiring and there was a lot of provocation from the defendants.
Does that make sense?
For me this is an important phase in reconstruction. Because the French rule of law has taken over this case and therefore we feel supported. Less alone. And it’s calming. I no longer feel angry about this: I know that justice has dealt with this and the defendants have been tried and sentenced according to their responsibilities. This is very important.
What’s the hardest thing after 10 years?
Trying to enjoy life after someone else has died. It’s survivor syndrome: I grieve and they die. It’s not true, there’s no logic, that’s all. We have a responsibility to take advantage of this for them and us, and this puts pressure on us. And the people around us put pressure on us to be better. It’s as if we have an obligation to be better. But it wasn’t easy to live after that night. I can have flashbacks that take me straight back to the Bataclan without me meaning to. It happens every day of the week or any time of the day. It came back to me. Trauma is difficult in the long term.
What do you ask about politics and civil society?
So that there is more attention to caring for the victims. Warnings are fine now, but let’s not forget them later. There is still much to do, even though we are not the most disadvantaged country in Europe. But it is not enough to talk about victims of assault: this is lifelong trauma, there are broken families, parents who have lost their children.
And what can be done?
Psychological support is required that continues for 10, 20 or 30 years. Because, the victims will still be victims in the next 30 years. We have a bailout fund for those affected by the attacks. But recognizing, for example, psychological damage is much more difficult. We are happy with this program, but the administration process is hampered. The process can take a long time and, even with the help of a lawyer, we often feel judged. It seems like we always have to justify our suffering.
