Saying “I love you”, hugging, kissing, caressing are signs of affection that not all people express in the same way. There are those who need to express them frequently and other people for whom breaking interpersonal distance seems to provoke an outburst. What happens when this combination occurs in a couple? Two people can love each other very much and well, but express it in different ways. While one looks for hugs and words, the other prepares breakfast every morning. These different ways of expressing oneself are known as love languages, from Gary Chapman’s book The 5 love languages (1992). Specifically, these five ways are: speaking words of affirmation, sharing quality time, giving gifts, performing acts of service, and physical contact. The author completes the theory by saying that to have stronger relationships it is important to identify and understand your and your partner’s primary language and strive to communicate in that style.
Although this theory is quite popular and there are studies that support it, there are others that do not. For example, in Testing the predictions of Chapman’s Five Love Languages Theory: Does speaking a partner’s primary love language predict relationship quality?concluded after analyzing several couples that speaking a love language that matches the other’s needs will not necessarily result in a better bond. On the other hand, saying words of affirmation and sharing quality time better predicted perceived love and relationship satisfaction. That is, being more affectionate, at least verbally, seems necessary. As well as doing things together as well as going to the supermarket.
There are people who have difficulty saying “I love you” because they grew up in environments where this was never verbalized, because they feel uncomfortable expressing it, because they don’t give it much importance, because they consider it implicit in the relationship or in the actions they perform. “The absence of signs of affection can generate distance, insecurity and even a sort of emptiness; this lack of affection for the other person can be experienced as something secondary”, comments sexologist Míriam Blanco Somiedo. The social worker also adds that “a couple in which one of its members is a less affectionate person, or less emotionally expressive, can lead to less emotional closeness and this makes it more complex to deal with the difficulties that may arise”.
On the other hand, María Ángeles Hernández Arnaldos, psychologist, sexologist and equality agent, believes that differences in ways of expressing love “can become a problem when the emotional needs of both parties are very unbalanced. For example, when one person needs more displays of affection or physical closeness than the other can offer and this generates frustration, rejection or a feeling of lack and abandonment.”
In couples therapy it is not uncommon to find cases in which difficulties arise due to discrepancies of this type. “Sometimes they come with that explicit request and another one appears subtly as we progress through the sessions,” Hernández says. Perhaps it is not identified as the main problem, but there is an underlying discomfort due to this imbalance. The good news is that if you know the causes, you can find a solution, and it is not necessarily a question of one person adapting to another. «Each person has a very different emotional history and working on these patterns in therapy allows us to understand each other better and find a healthier meeting point, where everyone can be as they are without feeling obliged to change their essence to adapt to the relationship», adds the expert.
A couple at opposite poles
The fact that one person needs to say “I love you” more often, hug and kiss more often every time they meet their partner and the other thinks this is something cloying should not be a problem. If it is understood starting from individual differences in the expression of affection and is lived with respect for everyone’s needs, it should not be difficult to find a point of balance. But these differences could prove insurmountable when “one party (or both) is unwilling to work on their emotional world, to learn to connect and bond through mutual work, or, after trying to work through different languages and expressions of affection, does not reach an agreement that both parties are satisfied with, which leads to great suffering and pain,” says Hernández.
Both sexologists consulted provide keys to better understand each other in this sense. Blanco reminds us that “it is necessary for both members of the couple to feel comfortable expressing their feelings and emotions; just as it is essential to accept the other’s differences and negotiate as a couple. A good dose of compression may also be necessary, as well as valuing the other’s efforts in attitudes to which he or she may not be accustomed.” “Understanding your own emotional pattern and that of the other person is crucial,” adds Hernández. “If they feel like they can’t do it on their own, therapy can help a lot by offering a safe space to investigate what is happening, learn to communicate from what each person feels and needs, and also validate what the other person is experiencing/feeling. Talking about what is uncomfortable is essential, because letting it happen alone distances the relationship further.”
Honest communication, active listening, expression of needs, acceptance of differences, mutual respect and commitment to the relationship are the key to solving this and any other couple problem. “Sometimes it will be necessary to look for intermediate points, the trick is not to try to change the other person or adopt totally rigid positions,” explains Blanco.
