Eight good and eight less good reasons for arguments between siblings | Family | Moms and dads

Like millions of viewers across the planet, I am fascinated by the series Yellowstone. But what baffles me about each season are the children of the character played by Kevin Costner who constantly fight and hate each other, with levels of brutality that seem exaggerated to me (in a series where everything is extreme). But then you look at many families you know and there are always siblings who don’t speak to each other and others who tolerate each other with a lukewarm education. The funny thing is that both I and many of my friends used to fight (normally) with our siblings when we were little, and when we grew up we got along really well.

I haven’t done an exhaustive investigation either, but I wonder if it is advantageous for siblings to argue when they are children (because if they argue when they grow up, we have already seen that, in general, the result is more brutal and long-lasting), and if this ultimately serves to cement a better future.

You can consider concepts like conflict, group dynamics and emotional management, but, ultimately, what all parents want to know is: is it normal for siblings to fight so much? Should we adults intervene or let them regulate themselves without the blood reaching the river? Will this phase leave a gulf between them or will it be a childish thing that they will remember fondly in a few years? And above all: do they really mean what they say and shout at each other or is it just temporary anger and will they love each other for the rest of their lives? Because sometimes they tell each other everything… At least, the second option is what I hope for, while I separate my children who are now fighting over who opens the lid of the yogurt.

In any case, here is a list of ideas why you should not worry if your children fight “normally” and also several reasons why these sibling conflicts should be accompanied or avoided.

Positive reasons why siblings fight

1. It trains them to defend themselves physically and verbally from the aggression of others, which they will encounter in life.
2. It helps them build their own space with limits and defend it from others, verbalizing a “no” or expressing it physically, with kicks and hair pulling.
3. Teach them (with their parents in front or directly between siblings) to resolve conflicts, possibly before they come to blows. This leads them to understand others with empathy and to know how to discuss, negotiate and give in so that all parties (siblings and adults) are reasonably happy.
4. It leads them to unite, or at least tolerate each other, in a peaceful way, because they also learn that a higher authority can separate or punish them with more intensity and for a longer time. Whether this cause and effect ends up generating brotherly love or simply fake cohabitation is something that only time will tell.
5. Teach them conflict management skills. If adults eventually get tired of intervening, the children themselves will have to take action… Otherwise they will end up bleeding.
6. Teach them to ask for forgiveness and to care for others, to repair the damage caused. We have all done it sooner or later when forced by parents, but in principle these gestures of repair will end up generating empathy towards the sibling.
7. This ends up showing them that sharing, surrendering and respecting others is often more pleasant and beneficial than arguing with fists behind their backs.
8. And, among other things, they see that conflict is normal and common, that it happens everywhere, even within the family unit.

Less good reasons why brothers fight

1. They can exhaust and anger parents, who have to intervene as referees to separate the two fighters and often end up scolding them both.
2. There can be real dangers and harm. No matter how small and innocent they may be, a stupid kick can lead to a slip or fall with more serious consequences, and the classic “unintentional” hit in the eye hurts a lot (and all of us who have siblings know this from experience).
3. It can generate favoritism. When parents defend or console the “most hurt or bruised” child, they sometimes end up cuddling him too much and punishing the one who doesn’t cry too much. This, of course, increases the punishing brother’s anger at the victimized brother.
4. It breaks the atmosphere of security and peace in the house, because when the brothers are of fighting age, the atmosphere seems as if a cake has been raffled and can fall on anyone at any time. There is no one who lives peacefully in this constant tension…
5. It can give the idea that conflicts are resolved by blows and that the strongest always wins.
6. If there is no repair and calm after every argument, the only thing you get is a “sorry” said angrily and looking at the ground and the feeling of anger is rooted on the part of the two children.
7. Arguments lead children to lie and accuse each other to win over their parents and appear to be right. This way they always avoid their responsibilities and create an even more negative atmosphere. Even if they want to work as politicians or talk shows on TV when they grow up, these are essential flight hours.
8. If one sibling is physically superior to the other and is not accompanied or scolded in time, he or she may end up harassing or mistreating the other out of simple habit.

And do your kids fight normally or have you already had to hire a wrestling referee to separate them? I’ll read you in the comments.