The body transforms after giving birth, but so does the gaze towards pleasure. What was once automatic becomes remote, and what ignited desire now sometimes says nothing. Postpartum sex continues to be a topic covered in a soft, almost modest silence, leaving many women wondering whether what they feel, or don’t feel, is normal. Furthermore, many live it in silence as if it were a taboo topic that they prefer not to talk about for fear of comments.
Is it true that many women lose their desire after giving birth? The answer, experts say, is yes. “Birth is one of the strongest experiences that a human body can live. Subsequently, the body and head transform and take different paths”, explains clinical sexologist Alba Povedano. On a physical level, he adds, the hormonal change is profound: estrogen and testosterone decrease, prolactin, the hormone that promotes breastfeeding, increases, and this has a direct impact on libido and lubrication. Emotionally, priorities change: “The energy is oriented towards survival and care. It is not that the desire disappears, but that it reorganizes itself.”
The craving usually returns little by little. Sometimes it does it in weeks, sometimes in months, there is no universal calendar. Povedano insists that setting dates only breeds frustration: “There is no standard. The body needs to feel safe to desire again. And the mind too.”
During the postpartum period, sexuality is no longer immediate. Relationships can become uncomfortable, the pelvic floor sore and the mind blank. “The sexual response may be slower or different, and it takes patience to reconnect with the body from pleasure,” says the sexologist. In this process, sex toys can be allies. “Low-intensity vibrators help slowly reactivate muscles, improve blood flow, and increase sensitivity,” she explains. “But above all they allow you to explore without pressure, to reconnect with the body from love and pleasure.” The sexologist reminds us that in this phase sexuality is not reduced to penetration: “The connection can pass through hugs, massages or complicity. Tenderness and patience are the keys to rebuilding intimacy in such an extreme moment of life”.
The psychologist Luis Miguel Real, author of The lie of willpower (Yonki Books, 2025)It often works with couples who are going through this point of disconnection. The first thing he recommends is not to dramatize: “The loss of desire after giving birth is not a couple crisis, it is a normal reaction to a huge change.”
The expert offers a clear approach for men: “It’s not about resisting, but about understanding.” As he explains, haste or insistence only widens the distance. “Desire does not appear out of obligation. The more it is requested, the more it recedes.” Respect for the couple’s time, communication without reproaches and active participation in treatment are, he says, the true aphrodisiacs. “The actual distribution of tasks is not only an ethical gesture, it is also erotic,” he says. “When a woman feels supported and appreciated, it is easier for her to reconnect with her desire. If she is left alone and overwhelmed, the loss of desire will be the least of her problems.”
For Real, the starting point is to change the focus: stop thinking about “resuming sex” and focus on “restoring the connection”. Affection, care and emotional closeness are the fertile ground where desire germinates again. And if distancing persists, asking for help is not a failure, but an act of co-responsibility. “Sexual desire is not imposed, it is rebuilt,” concludes the psychologist.
Time, body and mind
From psychiatry, Dr. Lucía Torres, medical director of the private Tranquiatría Psiquiatría y Psicoterapia center in Madrid, introduces a fundamental idea: desire is not lost, it is reorganized. “After the birth of a child, a woman’s body and mind are completely transformed,” she also explains. “Estrogen and progesterone levels suddenly drop, prolactin increases and the body feels more vulnerable. It’s not a lack of love or attraction: it’s a body that needs care before desire.”
To the biological factors it coincides with the addition of emotional ones. “Becoming a mother implies a readjustment of roles: from woman to mother, from partner to caregiver. This change can temporarily obscure the most erotic part of oneself,” says Torres. Recovering desire also involves reuniting with that woman who continues to exist beyond the role of mother. The psychiatrist also warns about the role of mental health: “L baby blues or postpartum depression may decrease desire and emotional connection. If discouragement lasts more than two weeks, or guilt or apathy is persistent, it’s a good idea to ask for help. It’s not weakness, it’s self-care.” If the desire lasts too long, or the discomfort lasts, it is advisable to seek professional help: “There may be physical causes – dryness, scarring, hormonal changes – or psychological causes – stress, anxiety, depression – all with possible treatment.”
The postpartum period transforms not just one person, but the entire couple. “The other member of the couple goes from being the center of desire to feeling like a spectator of the mother-child bond,” explains Torres. “This shift can awaken insecurities or feelings of loneliness”, he continues, “the arrival of a child forces us to reorganize our routine, but also to recognize ourselves”. “Love changes shape and with time and care can restore its place,” he adds. Sometimes desire reappears through affection and tenderness, not through the sexual impulse. “Waiting for everything to go back to the way it was before can be frustrating. Maybe it’s more about accepting that we are facing a new phase of sexuality: different, but equally valid,” he says.
Torres explains that during pregnancy and the postpartum period, the body changes and self-image influences desire: “Sexuality doesn’t start in bed: it starts with how a woman feels about herself.” «Recovering small self-care routines – a bath, a walk, a quiet shower – helps to reconcile with one’s body – he continues – when a woman feels good, she can feel good again». wishing, not just desired”.
«Recovering desire after giving birth does not mean going back to being as before, but rather discovering a new version of oneself, more aware of the body and love», summarizes Torres. «It’s not about forcing anything», continues Povedano, «the desire returns when the body and mind feel that it is possible». “Tenderness and complicity support relationships more than sex. Desire is not measured in frequency, but in connection,” adds Real. For the psychologist, in this slow but lively connection, sexuality is reconstructed after childbirth: “With less urgency, with more calm and, perhaps, with more truth”.
